courage, dear heart


“Acquire a firm will and the utmost patience.” Anandamayi Ma

It has been a most overwhelming week, which came to a head yesterday. The place I was supposed to move into next week fell through and I haven’t gotten any responses from anyone I’ve emailed, which means there is a very real possibility I will have nowhere in the city to live in a few days. The stress from that triggered a Crohn’s flare up so I stayed home from work, when I heard back about the positions I interviewed for before Christmas… and I was not offered either.

I cried for a while, feeling helpless, and then I sat in legs-up-the-wall pose for a long time, trying to focus on my breath, calm down, and come up with a plan. Clearly if it didn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to be. So where do I go from here? I wondered, do things ever just fall apart and not come back together somehow?

I think back over my life and I am not inclined to believe so. My life has fallen apart many times over, but somehow I’ve always gotten through and ended up in a better position than I had been in before. So why am I so afraid? Maybe I will sit with that question tonight.

I decided to take action today and reached out to someone I met at a networking event a while back, who offered to help if I ever need it. I have a couple of housing options, but neither is in the city, or even within a decent commuting distance. My boss is right now considering whether she will allow me to temporarily work remotely, at least part of the time. I arranged a storage unit for all of my stuff and tonight I will continue packing.

Things will work out, they always do.